I longed for something I couldn't place. An intangible feeling that I was missing a key ingredient in my happiness. Had it slipped away and escaped even my memory?
What did I long for? I've learned that longing for the companionship of another was an empty road filled with the distractions of projections. How we box ourselves in, constraining what we would be for the subtle approval of our chosen mate. Only to find ourselves single again, and more confused about who we are, and who we want to be, confused by the voices of that other who we allowed so much power over our inner landscape.
But those relationships did act as quite a catalyst for self revolution. The merging of two universes allowed for a fresh exchange that could only happen when the walls came down, the guards took a nap, and the reigning king and queen played like children in the streets of their combined, brave new world.
Truthfully, we never learn to stay away from this universe combining. We fortify our towers and walls with the best defenses and train our minds with the wisest strategy, and still the day comes when another human, a shining world of intrigue and virtue marches thru our walls.
And with beautiful voice, the correctly placed harmony to our own sound, this human would melt the battlements, waltzing inside and rearrange the furnishings, tapestries, and rugs usually unaware of how much effort we had invested in keeping our universe protected from such change.
And we love every moment of the imbalance that takes our world by storm. In little ways we concede and yield space, in little ways we change and worry about our looks and behavoir, about our virtue, what was once a solid surety becomes a subtle insecurity as we begin to care for the approval of this new being. Our sense of self becomes entangled in their sense of our self.
This is where the potential for inner devastation begins. Our center, our balance point, becomes pulled of center by the proximity of this other being, and strangely, it is this magnetic pull that keeps the world moving forward. The proximity of the earth, the moon and the sun to each other create orbits of influence, and a solar system is born.
So it goes.
We seemingly cannot escape recreating in our own lives the macrocosmic world we float around inside of, but what we can do is try to be aware of the virtue of the human that we may become entangled with in this cosmic dance.
And practice keeping our own gravitational center in alignment with our inner nature thru meditation and other self affirming practices.
The world outside my window is still hazy, and tranquil, and as usual, something is missing. Maybe I am craving the thrill of imbalance, the glory of the uphill ride as I am swept away, higher and higher in giggling exctasy, only to have everything fall out from under me as i sail towards the valley floor.