She held up her hand impatiently, her other hand holding the phone to her ear. Couldn't he understand that she was busy? There was so many things this week pressing on her. A deal had gone bad, equipment needed to be sold, employees reprimanded. She had no time for fruit!!
He stood there watching her, swirling around her center, caught in the whirlwind. Not seeing, he thought. She doesn't see. She is looking for the water while running circles around the pool.
All he wanted to do was throw her in. Toss her in the cool water, and see her wake up to her life, wake up and breath and taste the sweet fruits. It really troubled him, as he saw her struggle so. Every little thing and big thing she encountered, she identified her whole sense of self to the outcome. Every win, her sense of self soared, every loose, she fell.
She was chasing herself around and around. But she hadn't always done that. He remembered days, the best days they had ever had, where she had allowed herself to just be present, engaged with the moment, alive. She often spoke of these moments, moments when two people became more alive by merging their universes, sharing by being present, enjoying the simplicity of holding hands.
For her, it had been an accidental stumble into the world of tantric practices. For him, he had been gently guiding her there. He wanted to feel her feeling the sun on her face. He knew when she tuned in, he could sense when she arrived. She noticed it too, but her vision of it was with hindsight. She would notice, as one looking over her shoulder at a magnificent palace, that something amazing had happened behind her. She would remark about it, not realizing that this very moment awaited them, this very moment embraced them. Embrace it back, baby!! He wanted to yell to her!! Join me, yield your grasping, my love! But she thought somehow, that to yield your grasping would be to yield her success. And her pursuits would carry her mind tumbling forward, and she would be lost to him again.
So he came by her office today. A simple gesture. He wanted to say, take a moment with me, it is only one moment. Be still, eat these fruits, and remember yourself. Just be. The world will be there waiting for you. Instead, he just smiled, and said, I brought you these.
I already ate, and I have deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, and a meeting in an hour. You enjoy them for me, she said over her shoulder as she walked out the door.
He sat down in her office. All of a sudden it was very cool, and empty. Her heard the hum of the flourescent lighting, the soft whir of slightly aged computers as they stumble thru information. The stillness left in her absence.
He wondered why he tried with this one so much. He sat down in her chair, and leaned back, closing his eyes, and looking for answers. Why this one woman? There were so many others, but he wanted this one to find a way thru it all. He knew she could find herself, he knew she was capable. She had felt it, in those moments when their worlds touched. Nervous systems aligned, they had become more than themselves at times. She was so hard, coming so close, and always turning at the last minute.
Baby girl, he would say. Just pause. Stop. You are missing your life.
I know I am missing my life she said, I have all this work to do, and then I will be free to enjoy things.
He thought to tell her that now was the only moment you could be free, but he knew she would interpret that wrong, as if being free meant shirking your duties, not working.
What he meant to tell her, was that being free, being present, finding truth in every moment was a beautiful dance. He wanted to tell her to let the weight of the world be looser on her shoulders. Be in the world, but not of it. See yourself in your life as you would watch an actor moving across a movie screen. Remove your identification of yourself, to yourself. But these were only words indicating something, and could not replace understanding.
He thought she wouldn't hear him, and if she did hear him, she would misunderstand.
So he leaned back further in her big chair, and tried to see the world thru her eyes. They had decided to stop dating before he could begin instructing her in tantra. But he had channeled it into their lives together whenever he could. He knew she felt it, the way the world, this life is a living breathing form where everything is possible.
I can't deal with everything at once, she exploded the other day. It's too much!! I am backed into a corner.
He wanted to tell her how to shift her awareness, how to move the walls of that room she was in, how to tear them down. It was a subtle kind of letting go, the very opposite of throwing everything away. But he could only remain silent, because he had once been there.
The dark night of the soul was setting in in her life. And that was what it felt like.
He remembered how it went for him. He felt like he was sitting on the edge the universe, swaying in the darkness as waves of pain and confusion washed over him. Everything that had brought him solace and respite had been made dirty, unclean, and repulsive. He could no longer hold onto anything. The light had been obscured, the world no longer had order, no longer made sense. He was blind, he had no meaning, nothing drove him forward, everything he tried to grasp, to identify with, slipped away. He was nothing, he was no one. He had been there for eternity.
Struggling with every demon, every thing he had ever thought to be true, every person he had spoken to in untruth, unclarity, arrogance, deceit. It was all there, washing over him in inescapable waves.
Then one day, it had stopped. He was clean. He recognized one tiny thing about the world, his toes sinking into soft grass, sunlight graced his cheeks. His inner world was silent. Something new had taken root in his soul. Something that would continue to grow until the end of his life.
How sweet the sound,
that saves a wretch like me.
I once was lost
and now am found
I was blind
but now I see.
He hoped one day she would join him, when they still had some life to live together, before it was too late, before the world tore them apart for not seizing this precious opportunity. Our lives are so short, so short. Each moment yet eternity held.
He placed the fruits on her desk, knowing they would make the room fragrant, and maybe she would eat them.
He hoped they wouldn't just end up in the trash.
So it goes.