Thursday, April 1, 2010

Miseducation and the Desire for Majesty....

Listen to this as you read, please : "Forgive Them Father" Lauren Hill

Another round we go...

Another hand clasped, and then let go.

So many times in this life, I have found myself looking for reciprocity in the wrong places. I find someone I believe I have a connection with, and see them as having qualities that I desire them to have. How misleading our ideas can be.

This is projection. The beam of our conciousness, focus and release thru our system of ideas. I take my vision of the world and superimpose it on the screen of the lives of people I meet. I want to see a certain kind of movie, so in the case of friendship, or other relationship, I will often project onto the other person's actions, seeking the virtues I wish to see. Becoming immersed in the idea of a perfect friendship, or the idea that this is "the one."

Bullshit. It is projection, in all its delight, dedication, notion, and upheaval. Simple, add some chemistry, and *look* isn't he dreamy? I imagine he is Wesley from the Princess Bride.

But, alas, be is a common sinner. Some friends are normal, fearful humans, not the brave archers, poets, scholars I wish them to be. They exist as a pool of well meaning, ranting drunkards, who piece together stories, interwoven with morals and drugs and somehow, at a younger age, I could almost see them as great men.

No longer it sticks. I can't buy the lie, the illusion, the story. No longer is my breath taken away by whispers of promises. I have heard too much, watched it unfold into nothing but bitterness and broken hope.

So we come back to my step by step, the learning of how to deal with those who would use my love and compassion as a tool to gain what they want from me.

So far, I have just been fantasizing, but soon this fails me.....

The next step in this story is the one where I go wrong.

Invariably, the other's actions or words fall out of alignment with how a person of virtue should act.

And what do I do?

I smooth it over in my mind, wrecked and exasperated by my need to see goodness in those around me. This pattern continues until the universe brings me, in no uncertain terms, to the realization that it was all my mind's projection onto the other, and had nothing to do with that person.

What is this?

What I perceived had nothing to do with the actuality of that individual. It had everything to do with my own need to see what I wish to see, to feel beauty inside me, to experience majesty in my relationships....

You see, I really want to be surrounded by brave, kind and intelligent humans. As much as I do not want to face this fact, most people are cowards by nature, ruthlessly going after what, I do not know, but they are convinced it is worth their very souls. They will do anything to save face, hiding their shadows, lying to themselves, and the world around them. But what do they gain?

Hungry ghosts, mouths small, bellies big, never fulfilled, always searching, never realizing that their choices only take them further, and further from the very thing that could feed their souls.

The question I always wonder, is can they ever see the inner truth? Can they ever see past the web of inner lies and justification that they have built around them? I know not. I have never seen it. Maybe someday. Maybe a liar will burst free of the web of lies. But only thru the practice of inner virtue, and righteous action.

I have never understood what the point of this charade is. Why carry on so?

True conciousness exists as a running dialog between you, and creator. Other people are here to take part in this creation.

So why live lies? Why breath lies?

Why not learn to love? Be truly free, in heart and mind, and learn to embrace the kindness, virtue, passion, and depth that is only available to those who embrace life. Those who embrace their true inner nature.

Who do you think you are fooling?

A wonderful woman has graced us with some insight :

Lauren Hill said it best, in the Miseducation of Lauren Hill, the song "Forgive Them Father"

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust...

"It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you"

to hear the song...

And she spoke such truth. She was so young to realize so much.

How much do we want to believe these false stories, motivated by twisted desires? We imagine these liars to be imbued with all the things we hold dear, cherish and live for, and they use our kindness, our compassion, our love against us to gain what they want.

I am astounded at my lack of own judgement which is often overwhelmed by my desire to beleive, to see virtue and goodness in those that would use me and throw me away, fodder to cut their teeth on.

I pray, I pray, that I can see them before they get too close.

And I pray that every liar is found by the universe, bringing them exactly what they deserve, exposure, no respite, face to face with the truth that they think they can hide from.

May everyone of you be thrown into the purging fire that is the dark night of the soul.

So mote it be.

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